Exciting and daunting at the same time, but it’s coming soon. In another two weeks I will be adjusting to a new residence, an amalgamation of my stuff and some of my mom’s stuff. She has transitioned to assisted living and I’m headed around the corner to live in her former house. I really like mine but prefer the more private location of hers.
Though it will be a place with many familiar items, it is a new start for me. It’s just finally my time and I need to treat it that way. For decades I’ve focused on others. Now it’s time for my star to shine. I like structure which is why I thrived as a teacher. Labor Day weekend will be my division between former and current.
Waiting for an editor to become available in a few weeks to get working on my non-fiction book. The draft is done, most of the photos chosen, and lots of small details to put into place. But the bulk of it will be done by then and hopefully printing will be underway.
I look forward to a few book signings and to meet and talk with folks. This is a regional book, a history of an impressive school district, so it will have a limited audience. But it will be circulating and selling. It also means it will be time to me to pursue my dream of writing mystery fiction. Two drafts are in progress but I’ve looked at neither in quite a long time. In addition, I’ve jotted other ideas over the past few years.
Between 2005 and 2015, I attended several reputable mystery-writing conferences. The one thing I learned the most is there is no one way to write fiction. Similar to a well-known advertising slogan – “just do it.” And do it I shall. I must be true to myself.
My other goal is to live a healthier lifestyle. This means I must change some very longtime habits. It also means I need to be kind to myself, a concept that is difficult for me. I’ve spent much of my life living to please others. The end result is others may be pleased but it has left me incomplete and not entirely happy or satisfied with my life. I’ve allowed my interactions with others to define me and in ways, I’m stuck in my own past. I’m unique and do not conform to many of society’s standards.
Don’t get all excited for revelations because there aren’t any. I’m just a bit of an adult tomboy who prefers casual clothing. I’m a single woman who has a definite love/hate relationship with men. I’m still grieving a lost love. I’m enduring lost friendships. In short, I’m kind of starting over (at 63).
As one who has spent most of my life of being frightened to rock the boat, I will be paddling a new boat. My core personality remains – intact sense of humor, gracious manners, respect and concern for others, innate curiosity. But the part I’ve kept immersed for decades is so much sharper and more visible. Though I’ve never been one to champion my own causes, I’ve become very plain spoken and no longer afraid to speak my mind. This causes some issues. Some folks who don’t know me well misunderstand my intent and are quick to criticize. People don’t have to agree but they also do not have the right to diminish my thinking. If you become uncomfortable with something I’ve said, maybe you need to look within. I have. It’s not always an easy thing.
I have an undergraduate degree in English and a graduate degree in secondary English education. To stay I enjoy reading is an understatement. I love words. One neat little poem popped into my head as I began writing this piece. It’s called I Know My Soul and it’s written by Claude McKay. Here is an excerpt, “I need not gloom my days with futile dread,/Because I see a part and not the whole./Contemplating the strange, I’m comforted/By this narcotic thought: I know my soul.”
I do know what’s in my soul. I’ve always known. Few get a glimpse, it’s just the way I am. As usual, I find consolation in the lyrics of songs. One that comes to mind is Tom Petty’s You Don’t Know How It Feels. I was fortunate to see him in concert with his Heartbreakers. “There’s somewhere I gotta go/And you don’t know how it feels/You don’t know how it feels to be me.” Though he talks about rolling another joint over and over in the song, I always thought about drinking another beer. No harm, no foul, just was never into weed.
Sometimes I would ask my students for music recommendations as I’m open to listening to all types of stuff. It helped me to discover some really good music that I wouldn’t have known about. Not a huge rap fan, there is plenty I like. Always had respect for Eminem because he succeeded in an industry that was not destined for his success. In his song Lose Yourself, from the film 8-Mile (semi-autobiographical), he talks about not missing a chance to do what’s important to you. “You only get one shot, do not miss your chance…”. The beginning of the song starts with these words, “Look, if you had one shot or one opportunity/To seize everything you ever wanted in one moment/Would you capture it, or just let it slip?” I’m not going to let it slip this time. I’ve given up too much already.
And there are the moments when emotional release is important. If I need a little encouragement to let my emotions go, I listen to Sarah McLachlan’s In the Arms of an Angel even if it’s been somewhat spoiled with its overuse in an ASPCA commercial. The song is bittersweet and lyrical. It’s hopeful and sad. The clarity of her voice brings an outstanding level of beauty to it. “And the storm keeps on twisting/You keep on building the lies/That you make up for all that you lack.” When one isn’t believing in one’s self, it’s easy to invent your own persona, complete with the qualities of where you think you’re falling short. But there’s recompense as we hear her sing, “You’re in the arms of the angel/May you find some comfort there.” Calming.
Lots to say, thanks for taking the ride. The cusp awaits.
Stories Are For Eternity 