Dream a little dream…

I’ve been an active dreamer for much of my life. And, because I’m curious by nature, I’ve done quite a bit of reading about dreaming, dream interpretation, etc. My mind is open to most possibilities, at the very least I’m willing to consider both sides of a concept. Though not a religious person per se, I would describe myself as a spiritual individual.

Now I’m not talking about sitting around a ouija board or a crystal ball. I’m talking more about being in touch with the idea that there’s more to life than may be easily explained. Decades passed before I was able to comprehend the depth of my own sensitivity and feelings. There are names for this now. I may be a “deep feeler” or I may be a highly sensitive person (HSP). Well, duh. I don’t need a designation.

This may fly in the face of how I’m perceived. For most of my life, I’ve appeared as a stoic individual who also has a sense of humor. In my youth I was athletic which often goes hand in hand with a lack of intellectuality. The stolidity of my appearance is my armor. I felt if I presented myself this way, nothing troubling would get past that wall. That’s like scolding a puppy for playing.

A bit of a change in direction. A poet and writer named Avijeet Das is credited with the following: “Some people feel everything deeply. They know no other way.” When I first read that, it gave me a feeling of calm. I felt “accepted.” All of a sudden I didn’t feel ashamed of the depth of my emotions. Living for decades while suppressing how you feel is not good for one’s physical health.

Most of my life I railed against my sensitivity by stuffing it out of sight so I couldn’t be hurt. What I realized too late was I was also suppressing my creativity while creating some really bad mojo inside of myself. As I let myself begin to express my sensitivity, through my writing, I filled the void it left with food. Letting go of myself resulted in creating an addiction designed to provide comfort.

Anxiety was embedded in me from a young age. It grew mostly out of the domestic unrest I experienced. Looking back I can remember lying awake in bed and listening to my father wreaking havoc downstairs through verbal assaults fueled by alcohol. I’m not here to rehash that nor am I here to point fingers. I’m just saying I was not well-equipped to deal with the depth of my sensitivity. My need for acceptance became overwhelming because, in my mind, I never measured up.

Look, I’m very fortunate that in all of this mess I was given the means to be a successful student, to complete a higher level of education, and to sustain a career that was satisfying. It all came at an enormous cost. I “settled” for things because most of my energy had to be spent keeping myself upright. That’s in the past and I’m heading forward. And you will see how that will manifest itself in my future.

One thing that was clear to me through my book signing experience was the joy I received from meeting, and speaking with, so many nice people. Though I’m meant to interact with people, it’s very difficult for me. At the root of it, though, I genuinely enjoy “teaching,” and rambling on about a subject of interest. The amount of joy in me after each book signing event was immeasurable. I continue to search for more ways to experience that feeling.

I’m not a quitter though I’m the first to admit that I’ve come close a handful of times. It took losing one good friend and one longtime acquaintance, because their pain was too great to continue, for me to see and feel the profound results on those left behind. It’s not something I wish to do to anyone else. I will keep raging “against the dying of the light.”

Deep inside of me, I believe I will feel inner peace eventually. Until then, “I see my light come shinin’/From the west down to the east/Any day now, any day now/I shall be released.” Bob Dylan wrote this song and my favorite version of it is by The Band.