All of it

“all that we have loved deeply, becomes a part of us.” This nugget of wisdom was given to us from Helen Keller. Because I think deeply 90% of the time, I have time to pass my mind over many ideas, subjects, topics, etc. I do not think deeply as a conscious choice, it’s just what my mind does. When I think about who I am, I am more likely to ponder who I am not.

Today’s thoughts are relegated to words. Words comprise my essence, words bring me joy, words are ingrained in my soul. Due to being a voracious reader most of my life, there are a ton of words inside of me. I didn’t always derive important meaning from them. As William Butler Yeats said, “The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper….” There is so much to delight our senses and to deepen our souls out in the “world.” Many of these things are fleeting though they pack a lifetime of sensory stimulation in them. Think of bees gathering pollen, a butterfly emerging from its chrysalis, a hawk streaking to earth to strike its prey.

We may experience these images over and over and likely have a different sense of them each time. And that’s the simple beauty of it. Along with the beautiful, we also experience the horrific. It’s unavoidable as it’s part of our experience in this life. There are natural disasters, wars, the ugliness of human nature. What you dwell upon is your choice.

When I’m asked to describe myself, I usually give the same answer. “I like to laugh.” I’m quick to laugh and I enjoy laughing…cue Ed Wynn and the epic scene from Mary Poppins. I’m as happy ugly laughing as I am emitting a polite chuckle. I’m not one to shut down a laugh as one might with a sneeze. If I want to laugh, I do. There are times when decorum dictates the appropriateness of this behavior…cue the Chuckles the Clown funeral scene from The Mary Tyler Moore Show.

Truth be told, I’m not one to describe myself. When I was younger I was quickly typecast into a litany of roles, none of which was a huge part of my essence. I’ve been called butch, a dyke, a jock, a tomboy, a comedian, a loner, a leader, a queer, a fat-ass bitch. I’m none of those. And yet, I’ve carried all of them. I am heterosexual. My relationships with men have been stunning and also have sucked. But I love them (men, not the memories). I was athletic in my youth. I like to laugh. I enjoy time alone. I am a leader but I’m also able to follow. In as much as I can be odd, I am queer. Fat-assed bitch? At times.

Seldom do people refer to me as I think of myself. To paraphrase a passage from The Help…I is smart, I is kind, I is important. That’s all you need to know. And I bet I’m able to make you laugh. But don’t ever underestimate me.

There’s always more than the eye sees.