Some will know I took a break from blogging. There were some things that required my attention. I’ve been involved with self-reflection. It allows me to jettison some of my hopes and to temper some of my dreams. It allows me to accept my circumstances for what they are. It allows me to reframe my reality.
I grew up in a lovely suburb that was founded on the principles of the Protestant Work Ethic. Many of the guiding community members attended the Methodist Church and may or may not have been Freemasons.
Our school district was highly regarded, and still is. As a student, I was well prepared for higher education. I played sports and worked as a tennis instructor. A “great” place to live, right? Somewhat. What our town lacked was any sort of diversity whether it was religion, race, etc.
Be that as it may…I navigated the seas successfully. Or did I? On the surface, I certainly did. I was in the Honor Society, a good athlete, and generally kind to all I encountered. On the inside my thoughts whirled at a super-human rate. Why wasn’t I able to study and concentrate like my peers? Why did I accept being good at sports when I could have excelled, except I couldn’t summon the drive and energy to do so? Why didn’t boys ask me out? Why did I have to go through all of the domestic trouble at home? Why was I forbidden to talk about it? Why couldn’t I have more clothes like my peers did?
Our town, and school, bred an unhealthy competitive spirit amongst its residents. People were always trying to outdo others. It was important to belong to the DAR, the Junior League, a country club, and to aspire to attend Ivy League or other prestigious private schools. It hasn’t changed much. Yet, I still live here.
There’s so much more to this story but I’m not motivated to go through it at present. Just know I’ve spent my life thus far trying to achieve. And I did/have. It robbed me of me. I became someone I was expected to be instead of who I wanted to be. Enough is enough. My perceived life has broken me, physically and mentally. I spent time raking through some of the ashes to determine a way to go forward.
I’ve doggedly put one foot in front of the other throughout my entire life. I will continue to do so. I’m not sure how it will turn out given the state of my physical and mental health, but I’m hoping it’s not too late to learn who I really am.
For now I’m ecstatic to have discovered a creative side of me that had been hidden for decades. If that’s all I achieve, I’m happy.
“Starting right now I’ll be strong/I’ll play my fight song/And I don’t really care/If nobody else believes/‘Cause I’ve still got/A lot of fight left in me.” Rachel Platten “Fight Song”
Stories Are For Eternity 