Writing my way to a better path…

It has been a challenging few days, to say the least. My depression has been slingshotting me all over life’s roller coaster. That’s as it should be because life isn’t a flat line. But, gee whiz, I wouldn’t mind being able to coast a bit.

My mom, who is in memory care, had a staff member call me last evening because she believed someone told her I had passed. I hope she hasn’t become intuitive. She was very relieved to hear my voice and I was glad to speak with her.

I stopped to see her today after my cardiology checkup. The checkup was positive. I had a loop monitor implanted about three years ago. It has been monitoring the incidences of atrial fibrillation and how long they last. The battery has run out and we are satisfied with what it has tracked so it will be removed on 7/21. One less thing to show up on X-rays.

My mom was not in the greatest of moods today. She kept asking when we were going to get into the car because, “if you think I’m going to stay in this place forever, I’m not. The people here are crazy.” I was not prepared to deal with that today…lots of deflection and redirecting of conversation. I’m emotionally exhausted.

During the 35 minute drive home, there were some tears as there are many times I drive home from there. To calm myself I often turn to music. Yesterday, after doing an errand, I stopped at a spot with a wonderful view. As I sat on the waist-high rock wall, the wind rippled through my hair in a manner reminiscent of being at the beach. It was lovely and calming.

Due to yesterday’s experience, the song The Summer Wind by Frank Sinatra popped into my head to soothe me this afternoon. My mom loved The Chairman of the Board. He could sing, though I thought he was sleazy on a personal level. Whatever. Yesterday’s experience with the breeze must have conjured up the song.

“Like painted kites/Those days and nights went flyin’ by/The world was new beneath the blue umbrella sky/Then softer than a piper man/One day it called to you/I lost you, I lost you to the summer wind.” And then I cried again. It’s more than okay to cry. But there’s still a bit of a haze in my right eye from macular edema and the added tears don’t help to create clear vision. Overall, recounting the summer wind was soothing.

I’m an empath. If you don’t believe in that, it’s fine. But as such, I feel issues, problems, conflicts on a far deeper level than most people. It doesn’t just relate to my personal life, it relates to the world in general and with whomever I interact. There is a great deal of human ugliness in the world currently. It has a damaging effect on me. I’m resilient. My faith, my core values, and my ability to find ways to cope are able to sustain me a majority of the time. And if you’re unable to grasp what I’ve talked about in this paragraph, it’s a shame. For a select few, known to me personally, f**k you and the egotistical, high-handed, status-seeking, hypocritical, bloviating horse you rode in on.