“Mental wounds not healing
Life’s a bitter shame
I’m going off the rails on a crazy train…”
I trust, and know, I will eventually be back on the rails but gee whiz this is so hard sometimes. When I was first diagnosed, back in 1982, with generalized anxiety disorder and clinical depression, it was kind of a relief. At least I knew there was a scientific reason for how I felt. However, it was a science that was not understood very well in those days. And it carried such stigmatic weight. The stigma surrounding mental illness has lessened but not by much.
When I experience profoundly challenging days, I often turn to words. Underneath it all, I feel if I can just get some of the “poison” out of me I’m distracted enough to ride out the negative talk in my head. Now don’t assume the voice of Chucky is in my head. It’s a running monotone of every criticism and negative thought that runs on a loop. And it’s all cemented in place anytime I glance in the mirror.
It’s no secret, to me at least, that my crazy train has experienced increased derailments in the past few years. The love/scourge of my life passed away four years ago just as my mom was moving to assisted living. My mom, now 97, has now been in memory care for a year or so. It’s a heartbreaking process. They were huge in my life in that they understood my mental health challenges and witnessed how hard I try/tried to stay on course. It’s difficult to replace those to whom you’ve bared your soul and love you regardless.
I do take medications and they do help. “Help” is the important term. There’s no cure. I try to maintain the status quo. While many things make so much more sense to me now, I still have the mindset that I’ve failed rather than I’m so incredibly strong to have accomplished what I have despite roadblocks others wouldn’t have been able to navigate. Lots of the time I’m in my “warrior princess” mindset. I know, without a doubt, that what I bear mentally and emotionally, along with chronic physical illnesses, would bring many people to their knees. I know I’m not alone in that but it’s still such an awkward conversation. Right? So I’m trying to establish more communication in order for more of us to explain what we go through and for more of you to be able to shed some of the stigmas through the power of knowledge.
Right now I’m working to get rid of the picture I have of myself that I think I should be and accepting the strength and Grace of my true self. Getting back on the rails and blessed to be able to have another chance.
Lyrics credit: Ozzy
Stories Are For Eternity 