And when we hurt, we really hurt. I’ve always been a bit idealistic. I know I have high expectations for myself and often they slip over into my expectations for others. But I was held to high standards throughout my growing up years. I’m not saying it was a good thing nor am I saying it was a bad thing. Because I lived to a higher standard, I often expected the same from others.
I really use this blog in an attempt to help others. People have far worse lives than I’ve had and endure unimaginable challenges. This post is presented from the view of a trauma survivor.
Already there are the squeamish who are clicking right out of this entry, or saying, “here she goes again, being all preachy and TMI,” or “this is a bunch of bull💩.” Knock yourselves out. You don’t have to read what I write nor do you have to like what I write. But I may write as I wish.
And there’s an individual saying, “I bet she even has PTSD which is stupid.” I’m up for the challenge. Yes, I do have PTSD. It’s mild compared to what many experience but that doesn’t negate its effect on my nervous system. Raised voices and arguments send my mind into panic and protect mode. Inwardly, the anxiety spreads throughout my being. My heart beats faster, my eyes dart around looking for escape routes, I become clammy, my vision blurs, fear grips my chest like a vice. There are other triggers that cause this response in me.
I used to feel ashamed to have these reactions. Once I learned what was happening, I was able to identify the triggers and to remove myself from reactive situations. But that isn’t always possible.
There are many things I’m learning to live with, so that I may have a better quality of life in my future. Fretting over former friends and the hurt they’ve caused through actions and/or words is a huge time suck for me. I’m learning to jettison my feelings in regard to these situations. While it is initially a profound loss, it ends up being a relief.
Not an especially happy post but many of us are misunderstood. We are colored by what we’ve lived through, even if you don’t want to acknowledge its existence. Be happy you don’t live with our anxiety but allow us some grace when we make mistakes. And for goodness sake, don’t talk to us like we have a third-eye in the middle of our foreheads.
That last sentence is a reference to one of my favorite Twilight Zone episodes, called “Will the Real Martian Please Stand Up?” There are some very powerful episodes of this show, just as there are others that are incredibly thought-provoking. Why does it matter if people may be a bit different?
“When you’re strange/Faces come out of the rain/When you’re strange/No one remembers your name…”. The Doors
Is that song running through your head now?
